For those of you who are hard of hearing: LISTEN.

So the audio page was a bit rubbish. Who downloads full mp3s anyway? Nobody, that's who. In this day and age you can even rewind the fucking telly, so nuts to hanging around for probably a maximum of 20 seconds for something to save to your hard drive, right? Well actually, we don't want our stuff being associated with the mysteriously incomplete Microsoft Word files, the fragments of lists of never-to-be-created compilation albums and the temporary midget pornography that presently litters your desktop, so you needn't bother with that anymore.

So go here, listen to the thing (immediately, I'd have thought) and then get back to your shattered fucking dreams:

http://www.drillboy.co.uk/audio.php

Whut's thus fukken broon shite?

So once said Bobby Carlyle in one of them things where he wasn't a mulleted 80s stripper from Sheffield. But forget Sheffield and all its Arctic Monkeys and Molokos and what-not - Scotland's where it's at. And what way to better celebrate Caledonia than with a tenuous play on words made into a shit game? Exactly...

www.drillboy.co.uk/etchascotch

Yes, we're obsessed with Scotland and the West Country. No, we don't want to talk about it.

But Why... And How?

Since James and I devised this whole Drill Boy thing, we've been inundated with literally two or three vague, slightly snotty, enquiries into why the hell we bother with it. To be honest, neither of us can really be arsed to go into it. So, and I think this is the first time anyone's done this for a website, we've put together answers to some questions people (thick people) may have about it, to avoid us having to engage with anyone or account for our actions...

THE DRILL BOY FAQ

Who is Drill Boy?
A sweet chap. Lives in a frightening house with a frightening town with a mad Glaswegian robot toaster thing. Has a huge masonry drill in his forehead. I'm no wiser than you lot, frankly. Maybe we'll do a prequel. If there's one thing I've learned from The Phantom Menace, or X-Men Origins: Wolverine, it's that people love a prequel.

Where is Twknmnshire?
Find Hell, and head west.

Why Don't You Update More Often You Indolent Fucksticks?
It's all take, take, take with you lot. Don't you know we've got lives to lead, jobs to go to? All this takes ages... Well it takes James ages. He has to do all the difficult stuff. Frankly, I just swan about the countryside and piss these out between hare coursing and touching myself in a bad place.

What's the Deal with The Grill?
Poor misunderstood thing... Leave him alone, you lot! He has... some problems. Some of them to do with the drink, some to do with being a shut-in. Put yourself in his shoes. Walk a mile in those sods and I guarantee you'll be drinking bleach and trying to talk a microwave and a dishwasher into a three-way...

Herons? Huh? Why?
No. Sorry. Not going into that. You're imagining them.

But There's That Radio Station... I Thought... Well I Thought It Might Be... Y'Know... A Thing?
Well you're wrong, buttercup. Just back off...

OK. Fine... How Many More Questions Do I Have?
Oh I don't know. Surprise me.

Cool. Right... Erm...
Can you hurry this up? I'm cooking a yam. Then I'm going to stuff it up George Lamb's dunghatch.

Oh, Will You Give Over With the George Lamb Stuff?! It's Starting to Sound Like You're Either Jealous or You Fancy Him...
Right. That's it. Go! Now!

Spotify. Weird name but free shit happens.

The thing about the Gay iPod Challenge (other than it being universally derided and denounced as an unplayable and confusing piece of internet nonsense) was that people moaned about the fact that you couldn't hear the songs when they loaded up. Well I'm sorry about that, you slave driving bastards, but it was hard enough coming up with 2,000 songs and gay scores for them without also having to buy them and encode each and every one of them as an 128kbps mp3 and then upload them to a server somewhere. Someone else can do it. Oh they have done already. So anyway, play the fucking thing. If you've got Spotify installed on your machine (and if you haven't already you're probably thick or slow. Or thick and slow) you can now instantly search for any song that gets loaded by the game.

www.drillboy.co.uk/gayipod

www.spotify.com

Motherfucking John Leslie Time.

Here's another game for you, then. Abuse John Leslie. It's not really a game as such. Or is it? I don't know. All I do know is you get to fuck his face up for him...

http://www.drillboy.co.uk/johnleslie

Go there. Download the picture. Graffiti the picture. Remember: technical skill is not needed here. He may not be knobbing Catherine Zeta-Jones anymore but this is our way of letting the Caledonian rapist know that he's never far from our collective consciousness. Or it would be if I sent this to him, which I probably won't.

THANKS THEN.

Hey Danny, What You Doing? A Blog Test?

Glad you asked. Well, I'm just trying this blog-a-ma-jig out. And eating a whole pack of bourbons. Y'know, I made a promise to myself a few years ago, when I was going through a bit of a tough patch financially. 'Danny,' I said, 'Keep a pack of bourbons in the house every week. That way people will know you're someone. You're a man. You've made it in the world and no-one can deny that.' So yeah... Bourbons maketh the man. Or Cussy Creams at a push. But never Fruit Shortcake. Those are for cunts.

Well this is going well so far... Oh fuck Horne and Corden is on. Thank you BBC3. Thank you so very fucking much. Like I haven't got enough things to worry about already what with maintaining the biscuit levels, and that man that keeps trying to lend me his pen. Now I've got the constant terror that I could be flicking channels and land in the middle of that Ricky Gervais thing they do. Or the joke about the man who is gay. Because that is innately funny, obviously, being gay. Walked through The Castro in San Francisco. Almost shit myself laughing... Or that one where Spider Man and Superman are having, you know, like a gay affair, which is, as has previously been discussed, innately hilarious. (Would also point out that Superman and Spider Man would never meet, owing to them being from DC and Marvel Comics respectively, but, y'know, I could do without you lot thinking I'm a bigger geek than you probably do already. See how I try to slip that in without being held properly accountable? Fucking Teflon, me...)

So, yeah. Biscuits, and anger. That's how I roll...