NICE TO SEE YOU...

Ok Captain Thicky, you appear to be having trouble understanding the premise of this extremely simple game. It's essentially 'Play Your Cards Right' but not as good. Right, you see the iPod, yeah? Well it's on shuffle and your song has just been loaded at the top. The thumbs underneath, they're what you use to guess whether the next song that loads up on said hideously overpriced and pointless bit of flimsy gadgetry is going to be more gay or less gay. You score a point if you're correct but if you're wrong you lose three points, I'm afraid. Unless you've got three points or less at the time. Putting people into minus numbers seems needlessly cuntish, even for us. I mean, we're not Barclays fucking Bank.

WHAT'S ON THE BOARD, MISS FORD?

So if you want to mix it with the big boys on the flaming wall of gay you have to make your mind up to submit your shit BEFORE you commence the next round. Otherwise you risk losing your points quicker than Jacko's hair at a cola drink promo shoot. RIP MICHEAL UR TEH GRATEIST. Once you've submitted your score you're back down to shit all, gringo. Oh, and you'll get a percentage rating if you make the score board as well. Because people aren't going to be that impressed if you've scored 1,000 and yet had 10,000 goes in order to do so, are they? That just means you're unemployed. Or an account manager. Who, as we know, do fuck all work. Unless you count fucking stuff up for other people 'work', which personally I don't.

YOU GET NOTHING FOR A PAIR, NOT IN THIS GAME

Not strictly true. In the sense that it's completely and utterly false. The unlikely event of you loading a song of equal queerosity will see your total 5 points better off. We could make up some convoluted pro-bisexual reason for this but we can't really be arsed. So yeah, thanks Steve Jobs. We totally love you and your third world raping conglomerate and definitely don't think you'd piss in the eyes of a malnourished orphan for a whole hour if it guaranteed even the tiniest fragment of a percentage increase of annual profit year on year.

IT'S TIME TO MEET THE STARS OF OUR SHOW

We think we've been fair in our allocation of gay for the songs you see but if you're totally fucking outraged by the scores we've come up with please do send us abuse. Use the box beneath the brick. Think 'YouTube comments'. Then times that by a billion. It's probably for our own amusement but I'm sure if we get some good ones we'll be letting somebody somewhere know. It's anonymous too, so think big. Go fuck shit up like you're The Man. YOU'RE THE MAN, DON'T EVER FORGET THAT.

WHAT DO POINTS MAKE?

Prizes? Do they fuck.

© D Davies & J Harper 2009