CRESS
Sorry for staying away for so long. Would have blogged and that but I've been in the hospital.
I was at a wedding in Twentyford the other week – someone at work. To be honest I forget their name. In fact I don't think they have a name. I know they have a cardigan, a blue one, but name? Not sure. In fact I recall that made the whole ceremony kind of difficult to negotiate, having no name...
“Do you, erm, Big Face, take Candace Matilda to be your lawful wedded wife?”
Can't believe that the vicar actually called him Big Face, His face is quite big. Well actually it's bloody gargantuan, truth be told. I believe it's regularly picked up on Google Earth, mistaken for a weirdly grinning island. But still you'd have thought they'd dodge that, given the day and all.
Anyway. I digress.
I went along with my friend Claire, who I usually pass the time with at work swordfighting or playing 'Guess the Sneeze'. She's a laugh...
And we're at the buffet later on, trying to cram as much free grub in as we can, when I scoop up most of a tray of sandwiches (Cheese and Pickle, some kind of flayed pig, that sort of thing) and I get a bit of decorative cress caught in one. So when I take a bite, I start to swell up. Which is quite embarrassing because I was wearing my non stretchy suit. After 15 minutes I'm 3 times my size and seeping all this hot milky fluid out of my pores. Like wallpaper paste with a parmesan twist. Turns out I'm allergic to cress.
Owing to my enormous size, the paramedics had to get one of those things they cart stranded whales about in to get me to St Swayze's A&E.
Something of a social misfire all-round...
Anyway. That's where I've been. Being drained. Grill phoned me every 10 mins to ask where I'd hidden his Argos catalogues because he was, and I quote, 'gasping for a strum'. Much like being home, then.
But it's not all doom and gloom, though. I kept all the seepage and it transpires I produce quite a tasty soup. Bit salty, but good enough for Campbells to take it off my hands. If I eat two cress leaves a week, and milk myself properly, I can pay the next year's rent off in one go...
I was at a wedding in Twentyford the other week – someone at work. To be honest I forget their name. In fact I don't think they have a name. I know they have a cardigan, a blue one, but name? Not sure. In fact I recall that made the whole ceremony kind of difficult to negotiate, having no name...
“Do you, erm, Big Face, take Candace Matilda to be your lawful wedded wife?”
Can't believe that the vicar actually called him Big Face, His face is quite big. Well actually it's bloody gargantuan, truth be told. I believe it's regularly picked up on Google Earth, mistaken for a weirdly grinning island. But still you'd have thought they'd dodge that, given the day and all.
Anyway. I digress.
I went along with my friend Claire, who I usually pass the time with at work swordfighting or playing 'Guess the Sneeze'. She's a laugh...
And we're at the buffet later on, trying to cram as much free grub in as we can, when I scoop up most of a tray of sandwiches (Cheese and Pickle, some kind of flayed pig, that sort of thing) and I get a bit of decorative cress caught in one. So when I take a bite, I start to swell up. Which is quite embarrassing because I was wearing my non stretchy suit. After 15 minutes I'm 3 times my size and seeping all this hot milky fluid out of my pores. Like wallpaper paste with a parmesan twist. Turns out I'm allergic to cress.
Owing to my enormous size, the paramedics had to get one of those things they cart stranded whales about in to get me to St Swayze's A&E.
Something of a social misfire all-round...
Anyway. That's where I've been. Being drained. Grill phoned me every 10 mins to ask where I'd hidden his Argos catalogues because he was, and I quote, 'gasping for a strum'. Much like being home, then.
But it's not all doom and gloom, though. I kept all the seepage and it transpires I produce quite a tasty soup. Bit salty, but good enough for Campbells to take it off my hands. If I eat two cress leaves a week, and milk myself properly, I can pay the next year's rent off in one go...
posted by Drill Boy at
19:44
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