FILMS

Film Reviews!!!

Long story short, I found one of those unlimited cinema pass thingies in a dead fella's hand, so I've been going to the flicks a lot, the last couple of weeks. Gets me away from Grill. He's taken to shooting my things again. Time of the month...

So I thought I'd share my thoughts on them with you all:

THE MURDER BASTARD

Hard-nosed high-octane detective thriller adapted from the bestseller by Robert Crepes. Stars the ghost of Michael Bentine and Jeremy out of The Levellers. This one started off OK, but pissed away the middle act on some subplot involving a hen trying to buy fags when it was clearly underage.

SHOEBISCUIT

Julianne Moore and that baby in a suit off those bog-roll ads star in this stirring family drama about a disabled racehorse. I slept through the last 15 mins, but apparently it wasn't all that because I awoke covered in someone's sick. Judging by the bright colours, they'd been eating Skittles...

YOOT

Urban drama starring the white rapper Turbo T as some bloke on a council estate battling rival drug dealers. He's not very good. Spent the whole film posturing and conversing in what he thinks is a West Indian accent. Sounds more like a Welsh Jim Davidson being strangled. Could have used less cumshots, but the soundtrack's not bad...

HARRY POTTER AND THE REALLY SMALL HAMMER

God... They're all about 30 now. Least convincing performances since Grill put a green tarpaulin on his head and told me that he was the Pennines. That man made out of Biltong, however, was fantastic.

LAMBMAN

Based on the Marvel Comics character. Russell Brand stalks the mean streets of New York, smeared in lanolin, fighting crime in a special coat made of cotton wool and. Something in his eye suggests he did sex with most of the objects on screen, including a Breville Pie Magic, which must have smarted, to say the least. Overall, fair-to-middling...